An Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

It has been my tradition each year on my birthday to take the day off from work and attend a cinematic matinee. Understand that I work full time and am the mother of a young child, so going to a movie of my choosing is a rare and delectable treat. This is a long held and sacred tradition for me and not just any movie will do. I rely on the talents of your industry to release a movie sometime in mid-November with the following criteria: not too stupid, not too depressing, not too vulgar, something funny or maybe something with some action, or maybe something with some novel ideas. If nothing else, something with nice special effects or a grouping of unusually good-looking actors will do. Let me give you an example of previous year's movies that I found perfectly acceptable for birthday-viewing: The Incredibles (interesting story, some funny bits, some action, stunning animation), The Harry Potter movies (nice visuals); Stranger Than Fiction (interesting story and starring Emma Thompson). I do not go to the movies on my birthday to suffer, to cry, to be enlightened, or to be grossed out. I go to be entertained and to indulge in the consumption of butter-enriched popcorn.

This year you have utterly failed me. Here were the options available at my local theater:
(1) Quantum of Solace. Yes, I know James Bond would seem to fit the birthday bill and I did not regret the last time I spent two hours staring at Daniel Craig. However, I have heard that this movie is even darker than Casino Royal (which I found to be disturbingly violent in some parts) and I've heard it's about revenge. Please take note: I am not into revenge on my birthday. I think revenge is a generally nasty, ugly emotion and I don't like to think about it too much on a day that's supposed to be happy. I am also not down with overwhelming gratuitous violence. A little gratuitous violence goes a long way. I will see this movie, but not on my birthday.
(2) Madagascar. As the mother of a young child I've seen gazillion trailers for this movie and I'm fairly certain it fits into the "too stupid" category. Also, I will probably have to watch it at some point in my life, so why waste the money and the day off now?
(3) Zack and Miri Make a Porno. While I have liked, and yes even loved, some of Kevin Smith's previous movies, I find that they have generally tested the limits of my tolerance for vulgarity. I have a feeling--just a hunch mind you, that this one might push me over the edge.
(4) The Changeling. I have no desire to spend my birthday thinking about children being abducted and then the police not believing the mother when she tells them that the child they return to her isn't hers.
(5) High School Musical 3. No.
(6) Saw V. Again, no.
(7) Max Payne. This is apparently a dark police detective flick starring Marky Mark as a dude of some sort who loses family in an unspeakably violent incident. I am not down with the murder plots on my birthday.
(8) W. Too stupid, too gross, too depressing, and not funny. At least not funny in a good way. I have no idea if this assessment applies to the movie, but I've no doubt it applies to the movie's subject and I have moved on.

Hollywood, I understand that occasionally everyone has a bad year. In light of your previously adequate mid-November movie releases, I will overlook this year's dubious offerings and forgive you for your failings. I look forward with hope and optimism to next November. Thank you.

Yours truly (unless you let me down again next year),
Kerry